AVIATION HUMOUR

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

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ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'

Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'

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Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'

Halifax
Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot
what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway
06.'

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Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'

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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR!!
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ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

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O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

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ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter1019

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Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '

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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

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Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big W immediately .'

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Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

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Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

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Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

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BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

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Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

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Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

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Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'